Hi Earth! Before I offer a suggestion about the bathing, I just wanted to start by saying that this sentence - “I also know he’s safe, he’s fed and cared for to the very best of my ability today” - is very healthy and important. Acknowledging that you have done the best that you can, even while recognizing that there is more you might like to take care of will, keep your burnout level down and may help you sleep at the end of the day!

As for the cleaning stuff, my Mom started showing her anxiety first in the area of showering. She resisted getting in and out of the shower, but didn’t want my help. I talked to her neurologist about starting her on a non-sedating anxiety reducer. We ended up on buispirone and it helped take the edge of her anxiety down so that when she was having moments of fear, I would be able to talk to her and help her through it. I also learned one of my techniques for cleaning my Mom up from the tv show MASH. There is a scene where Margaret is giving a bed bath to a soldier. She describes what she is doing to him and that she knows the way to keep him calm is just to continually talk to him in a soothing tone so that he has something else to focus on until she is done. I used this with my Mom a lot. When I bathed my Mom, I would always tell her what I was doing -“I’m going to wash your left leg now” “I’m going to stand up and grab the shampoo now” - and I just kept talking until I was done. There were also things I did to the bathroom environment to help. I warmed up the room by turning the shower on for a bit before hand, I created a playlist of songs she loved, I made sure to use the softest towels and soap that smelled great. The more I could do to make the environment appealing, the better it was.

Good luck - this is a challenge we all seem to get around to eventually!

The only thing that has worked for me with my husband who is a 6.1 250 lbs is to suggarst we go somewhere and if he wants to go tell him he has to get cleaned up first 🌹

As for the weaning him into disposable underwear we let my husband wear both his own underwear and disposable at the same time. My husband was picky about the color and type, trial and error. Can't help with the cleaning process. I don't have him clean himself if its BM. Of course he can't have water on him so I use lots of disposable wipes.
Hopefully you get some helpful feedback.