I’m sorry. This sounds rough. Rebekah and Steve are my friends on here and their wisdom is always invaluable. They’re right.

I have two clueless brothers (good guys, otherwise) who live in other states who used to visit when they could but haven’t, since March, when we all went on lockdown. Part of me is resentful, that they are free of the caregiving role, and that mom talks about escape from me (but she definitely doesn’t want to go to them). But she wouldn’t do well with the daughters-in-law, and nowhere else would she be so indulged and cared for as she is with me. I know what she likes, her favorite foods, her routines. I do lose my temper from time to time but not for long (and am always sorry when I do). The doctors all agree that a facility is the wrong place for her right now. Plus that’s an alien concept in our Indian culture. So here we both are, trying to make the best of things.

Don’t burn bridges -both Steve and Rebekah said that- although you may want to. They may love her but not know what to do. I text and email news about my mom’s activities, pretty much daily, and send photos. We do FaceTime or Zoom. Those things make her so happy that the extra effort is well worth my time. I also don’t want to look back and regret anything. They may and I’ve also told them that.

My thoughts are with you. This is such a tough situation.

Hugs
Rina

Hi nkyrph! Merry Christmas to you! Family conflict can feel very acute during the Holiday season because there is so much around us trying to get us to feel like something is wrong if we don’t have that perfect family moment. The reality is, however, that few people actually experience this season without any sadness, especially in this community, as we have to alter traditions and try to celebrate when so much of our lives are focused on a disease with no cure and so much sadness attached to it. So I’m glad that you are here and that you reached out! Sibling relationships are hard - and what is happening with your family is much less uncommon than you might think! I am the youngest of 4 and have been taking care of my Mom fulltime for 6 years. My older 3 siblings walked away when my Mom was first diagnosed - they seemed disinterested in understanding what was happening and I was so angry and sad for a long tidu. But then I had to make the decision to leave those emotions to the side and try to come to an understanding that, because of their own life circumstances and choices that they were making, they were just unable to be part of this journey as intimately as I was choosing to be. They didn’t understand my choice to care for my Mom and the ideas they had about what was happening to her were informed by portrayals of ALZ in the movies. I have recently gotten back in touch with one of my sisters and she has shared with me that she was so scared that she felt paralyzed and it put her into this place of almost believing that my Mom had already passed away. But now she is having to deal with the saddness of having missed out on 6 years of chances to make memories for her! I handle this from this perspective: I am only able to control my choices about how to be in this situatution and I choose to leave open the door for my siblings to walk through when they are ready. So every two weeks for about 4 years now, I send an email to them all, letting them know how Mom is doing, what we have been up to and any medical stuff that changes. My brother responds with “Thanks!” every time and one sister sends birthday cards to my Mom and has no other response. But all I can do is leave my heart open for those relationships to heal - and like with my one sister, maybe you will be surprised by a phone call one day.

Also, depression is not unusual in our caregiver community, and can be especially deep during this time of year. I hope you will talk to a doctor or a counselor about it - taking care of you is just as important in this journey! I am sending you so many hugs and so much support - I am glad you have joined our community!❤️🎄

Just to build on Rebekah’s comment. Someone in a family lives with dementia but whole families suffer from it, mine included. In my case it has damaged my relationships with our daughters and denied us a relationship with our grandchildren. I wholly agree with Rebekah. We can only be accountable for our actions. I run a “burn no bridges” strategy that ensures those bridges are always there should anyone choose to cross them.